I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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