He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
