i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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