I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
