i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
