I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
