Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
