I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
