I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
