I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
