omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
