singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
