Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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