If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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