I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
