Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
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