Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize