I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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