She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
