I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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