i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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