my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
