i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
