What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
