Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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