They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
