She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
