I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i drank out of a bidet.
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is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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