piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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