If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
