I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
