I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
