Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
