I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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