you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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