i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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