all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
And then he peed in my hair
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