he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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