Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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