Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
