girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
