I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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