No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
