Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
