Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
