mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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