she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
sarcasm needs its own font
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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