Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
