There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
