They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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