I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
