dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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