i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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