So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You can't just leave with hair like that
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
