so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
