dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
